they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
