rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
