nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
