When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
