I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
