in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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