am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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