The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
