I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
