They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize