I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
