NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
