Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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