he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
