Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
