Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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