im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
