I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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