And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
