I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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