someone threw a dead crab at me
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize