I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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