yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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