SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
