He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
