Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
