If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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