my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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