he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
