Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
