I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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