I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize