Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
