shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize