ugly people sure do ruin things
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
