We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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