I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
