I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
