I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
