I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I cockslap morals
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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