I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
