You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You took a bar mat shot.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
