My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Its about making memories worth repressing
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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