i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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