my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
