dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
