Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
