My nipple is on Facebook.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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