I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
