this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
