Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
