I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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