ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
