He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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