He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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