i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
