I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
