He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
