I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
