ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
