i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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