you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
