I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
