the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
