I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
