Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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